I Know
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: Heartache. Something that they've always known, but tried to deny. Something that can't be ignored any longer...Emotions that just won't go away.


A/N: First of all, I should probably say I don't own Mars (manga, god, or planet) or anything associated with it. Then I should put a warning here, because this fic might be a little weird. I don't know if this has been done before. It begins in junior high, probably just a little before Sei killed himself.

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I Know

How do you deal with that kind of thought, that kind of desire? To be told it's wrong, to know somewhere in your heart that it's wrong -- but how can it be wrong? Your heart must be lying...Those beliefs were instilled in you by people who just don't understand what you're going through.

Sei heard the door close, and knew that Rei had just returned from his date. He went to greet him.

__

Kiss another girl, that's what's normal --

"Rei...you're turning into a playboy, aren't you?" Sei commented light-heartedly. At least, he meant it to be light-hearted. Rei gave him a startled look, as if the comment surprised him -- as if that thought hadn't occurred to him.

"It's normal to date girls, right?" Rei said, with a shrug. "They're pretty fun, too."

"Is that what matters to you? Fun?"

Sei sounded hurt. Rei knew why, but what could he say? What could either of them say? They were both miserable, but as long as they could be together, they would deal with that misery. It would be even more painful if they were apart.

Wouldn't it?

"Do you think we would forget, if we weren't together anymore?" Rei asked, staring out of the window at something that wasn't really there.

"I think that it would just hurt even more," Sei replied. "I don't want to be apart."

"Neither do I, but..."

"I know."

Their gazes met, locked.

They both wondered when this had started. When they were little, and they'd had only each other? Before they'd made other friends and learned that other people existed...

Or had it begun even before that? It could be fate. It could be that bond between twins, warped into something even stronger, something even more unbreakable.

"What are we going to do?" Rei asked, quietly.

Sei had no answer. "I guess just keep going as we have been."

"Yeah."

A silence. Both wanted to break it, but neither had anything to say. 

Finally, Sei spoke.

"Can I paint your picture, Rei?" An excuse to stare at his twin brother for hours, memorize every detail of his face, over and over again -- and it wouldn't seem odd to anyone that happened to see. It wouldn't seem like anything weird was going on. It was the perfect lie.

"Sure."

Sei wasn't the only one who wanted to live that perfect lie.

Is falling in love with your twin the highest form of vanity, or is it inevitable, because of the strong bond between you that you can't ignore?

"You're hurt," Sei said, reaching out to touch the cut on Rei's face. "Were you fighting again?"

"No, a girl scratched me." The sheepish grin on Rei's face was irresistible. Sei had to laugh.

"You should be more careful, then."

"Yeah. I know." Suddenly, his face was very serious. He took the hand still against his cheek in his own hand, and he held on to it.

Sei's heart beat a little faster. He knew Rei's did, too. He never wanted this moment to end, but --

"What would happen if someone saw us like this?" he said. Someone had to say it. Someone had to break that feeling in the air that was getting to intense to bear any longer.

"I don't care anymore!" Rei exclaimed. He brought Sei's hand to his lips, and he kissed it. "Why should we have to hide our feelings just because everyone thinks it's wrong? They're not gods. They can't tell us how to live."

"No, but they can make our lives a living hell," Sei said. He didn't pull his hand away. He wanted Rei to hold onto it forever. He never wanted to be apart. He could say the things that he knew were true -- but he didn't want to act on them. Because...

"That's already how it is," Rei said.

"I know."

Rei had always been impulsive; that was probably why he had the nerve to lean over and kiss his twin brother then. He'd had lots of practice kissing -- he'd dated enough girls by now, the playboy that he was. They were still young, but Rei felt much, much older -- and Sei felt years younger.

Both of them leaned into that kiss. They might have been crying, but their eyes were closed -- so neither of them noticed.

Why is it that what people tell you is normal seems so alien and strange -- and then what they tell you is wrong feels like it was always meant to be?

Rei had his head in his hands. He simply couldn't look his twin brother in the eye right now. He was afraid to see the emotion in his own eyes reflected back at him -- they were identical, after all. He couldn't face that.

He couldn't.

"Rei..."

"No."

Sei gave a small sigh. "We can't keep going like this, can we? No one knows, and sometimes that's even worse, because no one can tell us to stop, but we know they would if they found out, and..."

"You're babbling." Rei wanted the babbling to stop -- Sei was voicing the thoughts that were in his own head.

"I know." Sei moved forward, and rested his head on his twin brother's chest. "I don't want to think about what would happen if we got caught, but I can't stop thinking about it."

"Neither can I. But what can we do?"

"Nothing. We just keep going as we have been. That's all that's left, right?" 

Rei ran his fingers through Sei's hair. Sei's hair was softer than his, though it looked exactly the same. They were different people, although their appearance was the same. Different enough to be drawn to each other. 

"I can't help it. I love you."

"I know. I love you, too."

It was the first time they'd said it. They might say it again -- but they probably wouldn't. It was too scary to say it out loud like that -- that made it real. That made it possible for people to find out, and punish them for it.

It was impossible to deny the feelings in their hearts if they were spoken aloud.

How can you deal with a loss that is even more painful than what people can comprehend? How can you tell them why it hurts this much? 

They wouldn't understand.

There was one more reason why Sei jumped -- one that no one would ever find out.

"It's easier for you this way, anyway, Rei...Isn't it? I don't want you to have to do anything wrong anymore...You'll be happier without me."

Only, that wasn't the truth, and it never would be.

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How could they possibly understand? No one could understand, unless they'd felt the same thing themselves. They can say it's wrong, but how would they know how it feels?

Rei had a secret that he could never tell anyone, not even Kira. There was one person he loved above all else; and loved as more than a brother. Loved with all of his heart. 

He could never forget his twin brother. Those around him expected that; but they didn't understand fully just what had ended when Sei had jumped.

No one understood.

How could they?


End file.
